Sherbango soup

Put Away Childish Snacks

You’re a grownup now. It’s time to entertain like one.

The age of Doritos, Tostitos, Fritos, and any other snack ending in ”-itos” has drawn to a close. A new epoch dawns. An era of maturity and nutrition is upon you. Are you going to treat your guests and their colons with the respect they deserve? Or will you persist in a state of arrested appetizer development, clinging to the gaudy, hyper-processed foodstuffs of a bygone day?

Choose the righteous path. Choose the delicious path. Choose the path of the kosher-certified Gourmet Nut Dried Fruit and Nut Platter. The good people at Gourmet Nut have been classing up parties of all kinds for years now, and they’re ready to make yours over, too. Along with roasted, salted cashews and almonds, the nut platter includes peanuts four different ways: honey-roasted, sugar-toasted, Cajun style, and smothered in buttered toffee. If you’re looking for savory and sweet, they’re vastly preferable to dipping Pringles into marshmallow sauce.

The fruit platter is bursting with the desiccated bounty of nature, including pineapple rings, Turkish apricots, dried mango, banana chips, dried cranberries, and papaya chunks. Unlike the greasy mass-market snacks that bet you can’t eat just one, these dried fruits say you don’t have to eat just one. Addictive and nutritious alike, this dried fruit platter tells the world you’ve lost your baby teeth without losing your sweet tooth.

It’s a free country, of course. There’s no parent or guardian telling you what you can or can’t eat. But you can’t blame potential business associates or reproductive partners for judging you by your choice of party snacks. Would you trust your heart or your wallet to someone covered in Cheeto crumbs?

Features:

• Certified Kosher
• Nutrient-packed nuts and dried fruits
• Measures 10 inches in diameter
• Approximately 28 ounces of nuts
• Approximately 2 pounds of fresh dried fruit

6 Section Nut Platter:

• Roasted salted almonds
• Roasted salted cashews
• Honey roasted peanuts
• Sugar toasted peanuts
• Butter toffee peanuts
• Cajun peanuts

6 Section Dried Fruit Platter:

• Apricots
• Dried pineapple
• Dried mango
• Dried papaya
• Banana chips
• Cranberries

In the box:

• (1) 6 Section Nut Platter
• (1) 6 Section Dried Fruit Platter

I’m Never Going To Win The Science Fair Now

1st place in Derby #158: Physics, with 1131 votes!

How am I supposed to get a blue ribbon on this project if these stupid swallows keep dying on me? If one’s not croakin’ from exhaustion, another one’s being crushed under the weight of the coconut! I’ve been through thirty of the things and all I’ve proven is that a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times per second. Ugh. At this rate, Jimmy McGillicuddy’s stupid time-traveling car experiment is going to win for sure. I guess I can kiss Harvard goodbye.

Hmm. Maybe I can convince that guy at the pet shop that he sold me dead swallows. There no reason this project has to be a total loss.

Wear this shirt: on the count of three. No more, no less.

Don’t wear this shirt: on the count of four, nor on the count of two, unless you are then proceeding to three. Five is right out.

This shirt tells the world: “Sure, an African swallow could do it. But then, of course, African swallows are non-migratory.”

Design Placement: Centered

Design Size:
3X – S: 12” x 5.57”
WXL - K4: 9” x 4.17”

Pantone Colors:  7401C - 155C - 7509C - 7510C - 154C

Please check our sizing chart before you order. The Woot Tee follows a classic closer-fitting style. If you prefer a baggier look, order a larger size. If there is not a larger size, consider starting a belly-hanging-out trend.

Never Forget

They say, at dawn, you can see them, lumbering through the mists.

No one knows where their secret breeding grounds are hidden, and maybe that is for the best. Certainly science would not abuse their trust, but the paper poachers could destroy the young saplings before they even had a chance in life.

Thankfully, the cruel practice of taking these noble foliages from their home to perform in circuses has died down in recent years. Of course, the trainers love them, of course. But who could truly tame such a savage beauty? Even hiring a gardner seems a horrible imposition. Is it not better to let these great beasts roam free, leaving us to take pictures and mourn their annual passing in Autumn?

Wear this shirt: in either Africa or Thailand, but not both. If you want to visit both, you’ll need to buy two shirts.

Don’t wear this shirt: and think a little bird is going to show up to clean your teeth. Good dental hygiene takes an effort and it is an effort we all must make.

This shirt tells the world: “Did you know their only natural predators are the hyena termites? Well, and man.”

We call this color: And Grass Is The Hyrax Of The Veldt

Design Placement: Centered

Design Size:
3X – S: 13.91” x 18”
WXL - WS: 10.43” x 13.5”
K12 - K4: 9” x 11.64”

Pantone Colors:  7487C - 574C

Please check our sizing chart before you order. The Woot Tee follows a classic closer-fitting style. If you prefer a baggier look, order a larger size. If there is not a larger size, consider starting a belly-hanging-out trend.

Up In The Club

Look, just check the guest list again, okay? I’m sure I’m on there as The Windsor Sonoma’s ”+1”.

Yes, I know a lot of people want to get into this show. It’s not every day a trio of wines of this caliber comes into town and the Windsor Sonomas have been rocking the world of wine since way back in 1965. I’m telling you, though, my brother’s going to be on stage tonight and he specifically told me I could join him on stage with my theremin tonight. So, if you’ll just let me backstage, I’ll get out of your hair.

Prove it? Buddy, I’ve known the wines in this pack all my life. The 2006 Dry Creek Valley Zinfandel? We go way back! He was always such a hit with the ladies with his smooth ways. Bright and complex with spice berry aromas and blackberry and raspberry flavors, he was always the hit of the party. And he was always teasing people with hints of cedar and anise. Such a joker, that guy.

My family’s been best friends with the 2005 Alexander Valley Cabernet Sauvignon for ages, too. Always the bold powerful type, his deep burgundy color and rich flavors of blackberry, leather, and cola use to watch out for us on the playgrounds of the vineyards back home.

And as for my brother, well, look at me! We’re identical 2007 Russian River Valley Sauvignon Blancs, dude! Do you know nothing about the lead singer of this band? I’d have thought you’d recognize my bright aromatics of fresh citrus and young peach with delightful floral notes. We’re a very distinct pair, he and I, with flavors of apple and Asian pear followed by lemon and a touch of grapefruit. That’s right. You get two of us tonight. Hence the ”+1”, dig?

Now would you let me in, please? If I don’t get my wrists warmed up before showtime, the sweet ghostly electro-sounds of my aetherphone skills are gonna suffer, and then we’ll both be in trouble.

2007 Sauvignon Blanc: 

• Harvest Date:  September 8-9, 2007
• Bottled:  February 23, 2008
• Varietal %:  100% Sauvignon Blanc
• Appellation:  Russian River Valley
• Oak Aging:  None- Stainless Steel
• Total Case Production:  2,940
• Average Brix at Harvest:  23.7 Brix
• Average pH at Harvest:  pH 3.11
• Alcohol:  13.30%
• Residual Sugar:  .05
• Total Acidity:  .68
• pH: 3.37

Bright aromatics of fresh citrus and young peach with delightful floral notes.  Distinct flavors of apple and Asian pear are followed by lemon and a touch of grapefruit.  The finish is crisp and vibrant with bright acidity cleansing the palate

2005 Cabernet Sauvignon:

• Harvest Date:  October 13, 2005
• Bottled:  February 29, 2008
• Varietal %:  95% Cabernet Sauvignon, 5% Syrah
• Appellation:  Alexander Valley
• Oak Aging:  24 months – 100% French Oak (45% new, 55% older)
• Total Case Production:  2,116
• Average Brix at Harvest:  25.4 Brix
• Average pH at Harvest:  pH 3.48
• Alcohol:  14.5%
• Residual Sugar:  .04
• Total Acidity:  .63
• pH: 3.71

Deep burgundy and full-bodied, this impressive Cabernet presents black cherry, currant and vanilla aromas, and rich flavors of blackberry, leather and cola.  Bold and powerful, with smooth tannins and a long finish

2006 Zinfandel: 

• Harvest Date:  September 12, 2006
• Bottled:  March 13, 2008
• Varietal %:  85% Zinfandel, 15% Carignane
• Appellation:  Dry Creek Valley
• Oak Aging:  13 months – 15% New French and American, balance, older barrels
• Total Case Production:  1,300
• Average Brix at Harvest:  23.8 Brix
• Average pH at Harvest:  pH 3.38
• Alcohol:  15.1%
• Residual Sugar:  .38
• Total Acidity:  .63
• pH: 3.56

A bright, smooth and complex beauty.  Spicy berry aromas lead to blackberry and raspberry mouth-filling flavors, with teasing hints of cedar and anise.  Well-integrated tannins and a lingering finish make this a wonderful sipping wine

Rules and restrictions:

• Wine sold by winery (or a retailer in your state where necessary)
• You must be 21 or older to order
• Whoever receives the package must be 21 or older
• If you're drunk when the package shows up, you will not be allowed to receive it
• Wine cannot be delivered to a P.O. Box
• We highly recommend you use a business address as your shipping address

Thanks to stick-in-the-mud buzzkilling state legislators, wine may only be delivered to the following states:

• Arizona
• California
• Colorado
• Connecticut
• District Of Columbia
• Florida
• Georgia
• Idaho
• Illinois
• Iowa
• Kansas
• Louisiana
• Maine
• Michigan
• Minnesota
• Missouri
• Nebraska
• Nevada
• New Hampshire
• New Mexico
• New York
• North Carolina
• North Dakota
• Ohio
• Oregon
• South Carolina
• Tennessee
• Texas
• Vermont
• Virginia
• Washington
• West Virginia
• Wisconsin
• Wyoming

If your state's not on the list, you're out of luck... for now. Keep up with the ever-changing laws over at ShipCompliantBlog.com, and/or sound the alarms with your state assembly person through FreeTheGrapes.org. Meanwhile, all Federal, state and local laws are complied with in providing this wine.

Grasp Rules Everything Around Me

I guess you’d say I was a lonely kid. But I always knew I had five friends I could count on.

The Clan of the Left Hand, I called them. There was Index, with his deadly sword, the Pointer of Doom. Next to him stood Middle, the acrobat, who could flip like a bird with his bo staff. Then came Fourth, spinning his nunchaku into the Ring of Death. Don’t be fooled by Pinky’s small stature: he’s just as deadly as the others when he’s wielding the Sai of Relief. And guiding them all was Thumb-San, wizened master of martial arts and elaborate facial hair alike.

They were a deadly team, as the Clan of the Right Hand found out one fateful day. I know it wasn’t exactly a good idea to cut off my own hand, but the Clan of the Left Hand bows to no man, not even me.

Mommy, Daddy, why didn’t you spend more time with me?

Wear this shirt: if you can’t tell the difference between karate and kung fu. What are you, racist?

Don’t wear this shirt: while waxing your aged sensei’s car. He’s not really a martial arts master, just some cheapskate looking for free labor.

This shirt tells the world: “Your tiger style is no match for my cuticle style.”

We call this color: Red Belt.

Design Placement: Centered

Design Size:
3X – S: 11” x 16.77”
WXL - K4: 8.25” x 12.58”

Pantone Colors:  White - Cool Gray 4C - Cool Gray 7C - 1805C - 1815C - Black

Please check our sizing chart before you order. The Woot Tee follows a classic closer-fitting style. If you prefer a baggier look, order a larger size. If there is not a larger size, consider starting a belly-hanging-out trend.

Show Me Your War Macro

Did your parents have any children that made it past level 1, Private?

Oh, that’s right, Private, don’t make any effort to try to complete the objective for this level. If God wanted you to beat this level, he would’ve warp zoned your butt to the end by now, wouldn’t he?

What is this? Are you messing with me, Private? Get on top of that obstacle! Are your fingers broken, Private? Can you not remember which one to press to jump, you scumbag? I’ll bet you if there were some achievements up there on top of that obstacle you could get up there, couldn’t you? Jesus Mario Jones, you climb virtual obstacles like old people frag, you know that?

Wear this shirt: while you play the latest war simulator online with your friends.

Don’t wear this shirt: if you’ve been hiding a jelly doughnut in your foot locker.

This shirt tells the world: “This is my Woot Shirt. There are many like it, but this one is mine.”

We call this color: Directed by Stanley Ku-Black

Design Placement: Centered

Design Size:
3X – S: 11” x 7.51”
WXL - K4: 8.25” x 5.63”

Pantone Colors:  4655C - 450C - 574C - 5265C - 463C

Please check our sizing chart before you order. The Woot Tee follows a classic closer-fitting style. If you prefer a baggier look, order a larger size. If there is not a larger size, consider starting a belly-hanging-out trend.

Cyrano De Birdattack

Look, I really don’t care what you wear, but come near my twig I’ll go all KRS-One on you, understand?

Okay, that’s it. That’s IT! You come stepping up here in those dime store sneakers acting like you own this place? I own this place! You’re in my house! You hear me? Because as long as you can hear me, you’re in my house! I don’t care what you think you saw the squirrels do, because this is not between me and the squirrels. Me and the squirrels are cool, we go way back to early spring. Me and the squirrels were on the stoop together when I was an egg and they were all kittens. This is not about me and the squirrels, this is about me and YOU!

Look at you, dressed like some cheap internet fad. You can haz too many cheezburgerz as far as I can see. Yeah, that’s right, I went there. Me and the head of American Apparel are gonna be in a hot tub harassing high school girls and you’ll be all “Oh, I can’t find parking for the Comic Con boo hoo hoo.” And is that a canvas shoulder bag? Oh, my parents called, they want their garbage back. Think you found their eight track player too?

Yeah, that’s right, walk away before my onslaught of savage intelligence. That’s right. And don’t you get near my twig again, or you’ll get more of the same.

Wear this shirt: oh, gee, I don’t know, where do people wear shirts? I have no idea! Jeez, do you really need your hand held all the time? You can’t even figure out when you’re supposed to wear a shirt? Why don’t you run home to Mommy and ask her to tie your shoelaces too?

Don’t wear this shirt: oh, you can wear this shirt everywhere. To a wedding and the opera and your child’s first christening and to a five star restaurant because t-shirts are sooo high art, aren’t they? They’re challenging and cutting edge and only the cool people wear them. Maybe even you could meet the President in one! I bet that’d look great in the National Archives.

This shirt tells the world: “I’m not going to see Camille Paglia tonight.” What? You don’t get that? Well, it’s no wonder, is it? Because that’s the sort of thing you’d have to be cultured to know. Sheesh. And they call me a bird brain.

We call this color: Olive The Above Statements Do Not Necessarily Reflect The Opinions Of The Staff And Management Of Shirt.Woot, Who Love You

Design Placement: Centered

Design Size:
3X – S: 10” x 9.02”
WXL - K4: 7.5” x 6.77”

Pantone Colors:  7506C - 480C - 4725C - 7504C - 4625C

Please check our sizing chart before you order. The Woot Tee follows a classic closer-fitting style. If you prefer a baggier look, order a larger size. If there is not a larger size, consider starting a belly-hanging-out trend.

Somewhere in the Pacific Northwest…

...a conflict brews.

Hiiiiiii! Welcome to the Nile Corporation family! I’m your super special HR Acclimation Specialist!

“Hi, I’m-”

Oooh, actually it’s easier for me to just hand you your badge and remember you that way. Nice to meet you, Employee #47583234!

“Seriously? That’s easier to remember than my name?”

It’s just my system! Anyway I notice you have your things in a box, so let’s get you to your desk so you can get situated before the 12-hour orientation meeting!

“Meeting? No, I don’t do meetings. I’m just going to get to work.”

Oh but you CAN’T! You have to go through our patented new hire orientation program! It’ll cover all the ins and outs of our wacky, quirky corporate atmosphere!

“Rrrriiiiight. I’m sure it’s absolutely insane. But I think I’ll manage. I’m just going to unpack.”

Oh, well I’m afraid this will have to be noted in your personnel file. Say, what’s that?

“This? This is a Huntington Wine by Hahn Family Vineyards Red 6-Pack.”

Wine? In an office? Oh that simply won’t do. That’s Nile Corporation contraband. Why would you keep wine in an office?

“To drink? It’s got Merlot, Sirah, and Cabernet Sauvignon. They’re really great.”

Oh, so for like a special occasion at a company-approved party?

“I was thinking more like Fridays. These wines have incredible flavors, and the winery is green certified by the Monterey Bay Area Green Business Program; I like supporting places that use sustainable practices.”

But. But that’s ALCOHOL. Do you have a problem? Do we need to set up an intervention or rehab or something?

“What? No. I just like wine. I thought I could keep it here since you kept telling me there’s such a crazy, kooky atmosphere.”

I meant that we’re allowed to put up personal photos on our desk so long as they’re only of family or pets.

“Gotcha. So is two weeks the standard notice here?”

2007 Huntington Merlot:

• Appellation: California
• Varietal Composition: 83% Merlot, 13% Cabernet Sauvignon, 4% Petite Sirah
• Cooperage: 70% New, 30% Neutral French oak
• Total Acidity: 0.63 g/100 ml
• Total pH: 3.80
• Alcohol: 14.5%
• Release Date: March 2009
• Cases Produced: 2,400
• Bottle Size: 750 ml

Juicy cherry flavors emerge first, along with light notes of cracked white pepper. Then, thick aromas of rich cocoa rise while scents of pleasing vanilla and bold, spiced tea perfectly merge.

2008 Huntington Cabernet Sauvignon:

• Appellation: California
• Varietal Composition: 79% Cabernet Sauvignon, 21% Merlot
• Cooperage: 60% new French oak, 40% neutral oak
• Total Acidity: 0.63 g/100 ml
• Total pH: 3.62
• Alcohol: 14.5%
• Release Date: June 2010
• Cases Produced: 2,530
• Bottle Size: 750 ml

The palate is rich, with dark plum, sweet oak and cola flavors. Tannins, acidity and texture provide perfect bal­ance.

2009 Huntington Petite Sirah:

• Appellation: California
• Varietal Composition: 76% Petite Sirah, 24% Syrah
• Cooperage: 60% new French oak, 40% neutral oak
• Total Acidity: 0.63 g/100 ml
• Total pH: 3.68
• Alcohol: 14.5%
• Release Date: June 2010
• Cases Produced: 2,313
• Bottle Size: 750 ml

Petite Sirah is prized for its dark color and intense tannins with flavor profiles that include blueberry, pepper, blackberry and black cherry.

Rules and restrictions:

• Wine sold by winery (or a retailer in your state where necessary)
• You must be 21 or older to order
• Whoever receives the package must be 21 or older
• If you're drunk when the package shows up, you will not be allowed to receive it
• Wine cannot be delivered to a P.O. Box
• We highly recommend you use a business address as your shipping address

Thanks to stick-in-the-mud buzzkilling state legislators, wine may only be delivered to the following states:

• Arizona
• California
• Colorado
• Connecticut
• District Of Columbia
• Florida
• Georgia
• Idaho
• Illinois
• Iowa
• Kansas
• Louisiana
• Michigan
• Minnesota
• Missouri
• Nebraska
• Nevada
• New Hampshire
• New Mexico
• New York
• North Carolina
• North Dakota
• Ohio
• Oregon
• South Carolina
• Tennessee
• Texas
• Vermont
• Virginia
• Washington
• West Virginia
• Wisconsin
• Wyoming

If your state's not on the list, you're out of luck... for now. Keep up with the ever-changing laws over at ShipCompliantBlog.com, and/or sound the alarms with your state assembly person through FreeTheGrapes.org. Meanwhile, all Federal, state and local laws are complied with in providing this wine.

Snap Into A Flip-Cam

The problem with Hollywood pictures lately isn’t their lack of engaging stories, fresh visuals, or true stars. It’s their lack of me!

Right the first time, screen fiends: Sheldon Shelman is back behind the clapboard! Lensing is slated to begin next week on the latest macaroni noodle in the summer-camp wall-hanging of my career: Febreze, Chapter I: The Air-Freshening. The Magic Store sells nothing but synergy these days, and it’s an honor to work on the first motion picture ever based on America’s favorite odor eliminator. I’m confident that our film will do justice to the Febreze legacy.

And this won’t be an abortive embarrassment like my last comeback, because this time I didn’t steal the camera. When I can get the Pure Digital Flip MinoHD Digital Camcorder’s lightweight, convenient full-HD video at this price, why would I risk another stint in the big house? Certainly not because I fell in love during my first stretch and I ache to be held again in the rough yet tender arms of a certain Travis Lee “Bullneck” Wayne. I mean, in case that’s what you were thinking.

Anyway, I’m out of the joint now, but don’t go thinking I’ve paid my debt to society – not when I owe it to society to splatter the fruits of my genius all over their cineplexes! After we wrap Febreze, I’ve got a veritable plethora of a smorgasbord of ideas as ready to pop as this zit behind my ear. What’s nice is, nobody makes movies based on original ideas anymore. It’s all about licensing some pre-existing property. So when I go to 7-11, I come out with more than just Slim Jims and Zingers – I come out with conceptual gold! Like, what about movies based on Slim Jims or Zingers? You’ll see ‘em in the multiplex in 2012! Randy Savage, call my people!

Warranty: 90 Day Pure Digital

Features:

• Weighing only 3.3 ounces, MinoHD features a super-slim design that fits in any pocket or purse
• Start recording within 3 seconds of power-up; simple user interface features one-touch recording, making HD video easier and more fun than ever
• Captures 1 hour of incredible HD video on 4GB of built-in memory; no additional memory needed
• Internal Lithium-Ion battery recharges through built-in USB arm; also recharges when connected to Flip Video Power Adapter (not included)
• Features a 1.5 inch anti-glare display to play back and delete videos
• Fast lens – great low or bright light results; 2x digital zoom
• Convenient flip-out USB arm plugs directly into your PC or Mac to launch pre-loaded FlipShare software
• FlipShare software makes it easy to email videos, edit individual clips, make custom movies, capture still-image snapshots, and upload video to Facebook, MySpace, YouTube and other sharing sites
• Produces incredible HD video you’ll be able to enjoy on your HDTV (TV cable included)
• Records high-quality H.263 videos that are compatible with most video-playing applications, including Windows Media Player, QuickTime Player, and iTunes
• Video: 16:9 widescreen, HD 720p (1280 x 720) at 30 frames per second (fps) progressive scan; recorded as MP4 files
• “Child Safe” mode to prevent accidental deletions of clips
• Backlit buttons for low-light recording and playback
• Silent mode for recording in sensitive situations
• Tripod mount fits any standard tripod (tripod not included)
• Pre-loaded FlipShare software for instant viewing, editing, one-click emailing, and online sharing
• Browse, playback, organize and archive your videos
• Create movies with video clips, music and titles
• Edit clips and create still-image snapshots from video
• Share your videos privately using attachment-free emails or greeting cards (free and unlimited video sharing)
• Create private Flip Channels to share your videos with groups of family and friends

Product Specifications:
LCD Screen:

• Size: 1.5” (diagonal)
• Resolution: 176 x 132
• Type: Transflective TFT (for bright daylight)

Video Quality and Performance:

• Resolution: 1280 x 720
• Sensor: 1/4.5” HD CMOS Sensor 2.2μm pixels
• Light Sensitivity: Ultra low-light sensitivity (>1.4 V/lux-sec) with automatic low light detection
• Video Performance: Flip Video Engine 3.0
• Frame Rate: 30 frames per second (constant frame rate, progressive scan)
• Average Bitrate: 9.0 Mbps (auto-adaptive algorithm)
• Video Format: H.264 video compression, AAC audio compression, MP4 file format
• White Balance & Exposure: Automatic white balance and black level calibration; automatic exposure control with dynamic exposure compensation

Optics:

• Lens Type: Fixed Focus (1.5m to infinity)
• Aperture: f/2.4 (fast lens for great results in low-light environments)
• Zoom: Smooth multi-step 2x digital

Battery:

• Internal Lithium-Ion Rechargeable (Battery replacement only available through Flip Video Support)
• Life: Up to 2 hours of use between charges
• Charge Time: Via computer USB port – approximately 3 hours; Via power adapter (not included) – approximately 2 hours

Camcorder Functions:

• Interface: Touch-sensitive capacitive buttons
• Power-Up Time: Less than 4 seconds
• Power Saver (Auto Shut-Down): Yes
• Play All Function: Yes
• Pause, FF/Rewind: Yes
• Set Date/Time Function: Yes

Additional Specifications:

• Dimensions: 3.94” x 1.97” x 0.63” (H x W x D)
• Weight: 3.3 oz
• PC Connection: Built-in flip-out USB arm (up to USB 2.0 speed)
• Speaker: Built-in speaker
• Microphone: Built-in wide-range microphone
• TV-Out: Composite Video (5 ft. composite cable included)
• Tripod Mount: Yes
  

FlipShare Software:

• Online Sharing: Unlimited private video emails or video greeting cards; direct upload to MySpace and YouTube
• Video Editing: Video trim – set start and end points; create movies with multiple video clips – add titles, music and credits
• Still Photo: Snap still photos from video
• Software Update: Automatic and on-demand online updates

Minimum System Requirements:
PC:

• 3.0 GHz Intel® Pentium® 4 or faster processor
• Windows® XP SP2 with 512MB of RAM or Windows Vista®/Windows 7 with 1 GB of RAM
• USB 2.0 port

Mac:

• 1.66 GHz Intel Core Duo or faster processor
• 1 GB of RAM
• OS X 10.4 or higher
• USB 2.0 port

Additional Photos:

• Flip MinoHD Screen and Illuminated Buttons (Black Model)
• Flip MinoHD (Black Model), Packaging, TV Cable, Wrist Strap, and Soft Case
• Flip MinoHD Back Showing USB Release Switch, TV Output Jack, and Threaded Tripod Mount (Black Model)
• Flip MinoHD Flip-Out USB Arm and Power Button (Black Model)
• Flip MinoHD Screen and Illuminated Buttons (Chrome Model)
• Flip MinoHD (Chrome Model), Packaging, TV Cable, Wrist Strap, and Soft Case
• Flip MinoHD Back Showing USB Release Switch, TV Output Jack, and Threaded Tripod Mount (Chrome Model)
• Flip MinoHD Flip-Out USB Arm and Power Button (Chrome Model)

In the box:

• (1) Pure Digital Flip MinoHD Digital Camcorder
• (1) TV Cable
• (1) Wrist Strap
• (1) Soft Case
• (1) Quick Start Guide

Note: Some software may need to be downloaded from Flip Video's website (free of charge) to ensure proper functionality

Yeah, sure. It probably happened that way.

3rd place in Derby #157: Reinterpreting Famous Art Titles, with 718 votes!

Look, we’re not the judgmental type, so if you wanna believe in firebirds or a phoenix or whatever your particular brand of mythos leads you to believe sparked fire and art in mankind that’s fine. We could get into the fauna of Earth slowly releasing enough oxygen into the atmosphere until about 470 million years ago when the first fire sparked, thus establishing fire as a wild and uncontrollable force with no use for man, but that’s beside the point.

And sure, your way is more romantic: a friendly spirit or noble deity of some kind deigns humankind worthy of imparting some wisdom upon and grants us the knowledge of fire. That’s kinda neat. Probably helps you feel slightly more special in the grand scheme of things and a little less like a tiny hairless mammal clinging to a wet ball of rock careening through the infinite blackness of space just waiting for it all to end. We can appreciate that.

But c’mon. You know that’s not how it happened. Fire is DANGEROUS, man. And that means there was probably some trial and error involved at a time when the things that passed for people were even dumber than they are today. So the reason we’re sitting in homes lit by energy from burning coal and boiling water for tea on our gas stoves and killing ourselves with cigarettes as opposed to uncooked pork is because SOME poor ape got lit up like the Fourth of July messing with some burning branches.

So the next time you’re having a drink raise a glass in memory and tribute to the one ancestor (who hopefully died serving as an example to the others before reproducing) who thought, “That stuff doesn’t look THAT dangerous.”

Wear this shirt: In a crowded movie theater. It’s fine! It doesn’t actually SAY “fire.”

Don’t wear this shirt: On fire. Hopefully you knew that already.

This shirt tells the world: “I have the potential to cause physical damage through burning.”

We call this color: Inreddiary

Design Placement: Centered

Design Size:
3X – S: 12” x 16.81”
WXL - K4: 9” x 12.61”

Pantone Colors: White - 7404C - 158C

Please check our sizing chart before you order. The Woot Tee follows a classic closer-fitting style. If you prefer a baggier look, order a larger size. If there is not a larger size, consider starting a belly-hanging-out trend.

Entertainment Notebook?!

This’ll be perfect!

What better way to be entertained than to check out what’s left of the Del Close Marathon at the UCB Theatre in New York! They’re performing over 150 shows nonstop 24/7 for three whole days! Sure, it’s almost over now, but maybe I can turn this refurbished HP Pavilion Dual-Core Entertainment Notebook with Blu-ray on and catch the end!

So much great improv comedy to see! Sure, there’s some bad improv comedy to see too, but that’s the magic of it! You don’t know what you’re going to get; it’s gossamer! Yeah yeah yeah, 8-cell battery, webcam with microphone, LightScribe Blu-ray ROM, get to the entertaining part!

What do you mean? This thing’s for entertainment, right? I want to see hilarious observations on pop culture and current events! I want to identify with the situations and views presented onstage as my own or as ridiculous as those around me! They’re not even showing the marathon online this year!

Hmmph. Well it may very well be a nice laptop, but I certainly disagree with the entertainment part.

Warranty: 90 Day HP

Features:

• Windows 7 Home Premium 64 bit
• 2.3Ghz AMD Turion II Dual Core Mobile Processor M520 (2.3Ghz, 1MB L2 Cache)
• 500GB (7200RPM) Hard Drive
• LightScribe Blu-ray ROM with SuperMulti DVD±R/RW Double Layer Support
• HP Webcam with integrated digital microphone
• Altec Lansing with SRS Premium Sound
• 6GB DDR2 SDRAM
• 8-Cell Lithium-Ion Battery
• ATI Radeon HD 4200 Graphics (128MB Display Cache Memory)
• HD+ LED BrightView Display (1600 x 900)
• HDMI Out

Specifications:

• Microprocessor: 2.3GHz VISION Technology Premium from AMD with AMD Turion II Dual-Core Mobile Processor M520
• Microprocessor Cache: 1MB L2 Cache
• Memory: 6GB
• Memory Max: 8192MB
• Video Graphics: ATI Mobility Radeon HD 4200 Graphics
• Video Memory: 128MB Display Cache Memory
• Hard Drive: 500GB (7200RPM)
• Multimedia Drive: LightScribe Blu-ray ROM with SuperMulti DVD±R/RW Double Layer Support
• Display: 17.3” Diagonal HD+ LED HP BrightView Widescreen Display (1600 x 900)
• Network Card: Integrated 10/100 Ethernet LAN
• Wireless Connectivity: 802.11b/g/n WLAN
• Sound: Altec Lansing with SRS Premium Sound
• Keyboard: 101-key compatible with full-size keyboard with integrated numeric keypad
• Pointing Device: Touch Pad with On/Off button and dedicated vertical scroll Up/Down pad
• PC Card Slots: 1 ExpressCard/54 Slot (also supports ExpressCard/34)
• Webcam: HP Webcam with integrated digital microphone
• Dimensions: 16.2” (W) x 10.9” (D) x 1.37” (min H)/1.70” (max H)
• Weight: 7.69 Ibs

External Ports:

• 5-in-1 integrated Digital Media Reader for Secure Digital cards, MultiMedia cards, Memory Stick, Memory Stick Pro, or xD Picture cards
• 4 Universal Serial Bus (USB) 2.0, 4th port shared with eSATA
• 2 Headphone out
• 1 microphone-in
• 1 HDMI
• 1 VGA (15-pin)
• 1 eSATA + USB 2.0
• 1 RJ -45 (LAN)
• 1 notebook expansion port 3
• 1 Consumer IR (Remote Receiver)

Power:

• 65W AC Adapter
• 8-Cell 14.4V 4860mAh 4Lithium-Ion Battery

Additional Photos:

• HP DV7-3174nr Detail
• Top HP Logo with Design
• Keyboard Top View
• HP DV7-3174nr - Front
• HP DV7-3174nr - Right Profile
• HP DV7-3174nr - Left Profile

In the box:

• HP DV7-3174nr
• Power Supply
• 8-Cell 4860mAh Lithium-Ion Battery
• Media Remote

Inset credit: alexerde

It’s Almost Like Homework

2nd place in Derby #157: Reinterpreting Famous Art Titles, with 943 votes!

HEY-YOU-ARE-NEW-AROUND-HERE-RIGHT

YES-I-THOUGHT-SO-HOW-ARE-YOU-MY-NAME-IS-DIEGO-I-AM-A-MURALBOT

WELL-YES-I-AM-CUTTING-EDGE-THOUGH-I-DO-NOT-LIKE-TO-BRAG

HEY-WHY-DON’T-YOU-AND-I-HEAD-OUT-TO-THE-TERRACE-AND

WELL-YES-I-DO-HAVE-A-DIFFERENT-FLOWER-ALREADY

WHAT-DOES-THAT-HAVE-TO-DO-WITH-US

NO-NO-IT-IS-TOTALLY-COOL-I-DO-THIS-ALL-THE-TIME-SHE-DOES-NOT-CARE

YES-IT-IS-PART-OF-BEING-A-ROBOT-GENIUS-YOU-HAVE-TO-FOLLOW-YOUR-DESIRES

LISTEN-IF-YOU-ARE-NOT-INTERESTED-I-CAN-JUST-FIND-ANOTHER-FLOWER

SURE-IT-IS-NO-BIG-DEAL-I-JUST-FIGURED-YOU-WERE-THE-PRETTIEST-ONE

ALSO-I-BET-IT-WOULD-HELP-YOUR-CAREER-IF-YOU-TOLD-PEOPLE-YOU-KNEW-ME

SEE-THAT-IS-A-NICE-SMILE-I-KNEW-YOU-LIKED-ME-LIKE-I-LIKED-YOU

OKAY-WE-CAN-GO-BACK-TO-MY-HOTEL-OH-WAIT-SORRY-SHE’S-THERE-JUST-NOW

WHY-DON’T-WE-GO-TO-THAT-POST-APOCALYPTIC-FIELD-I-SAW-NEAR-THE-MUSEUM

YES-THAT-WILL-BE-FINE-JUST-REMEMBER-WE-HAVE-TO-BE-DISCRETE

ALSO-I-CAN’T-GIVE-YOU-A-RIDE-HOME-LATER-I-HAVE-A-THING

SUCH-IS-MY-BURDEN

SORRY

Wear this shirt: to cover your tattoo of Vladimir Lenin. If the Rockefellers are happy, everybody’s happy.

Don’t wear this shirt: while playing cards. It might imply you’re looking for a new deal.

This shirt tells the world: “I have no idea what the idiot who wrote the writeup is babbling about but that’s cool shading on the robot.”

We call this color: Painted Asphalt Wall

Design Placement: Centered

Design Size:
3X – S: 13” x 13.01”
WXL - K4: 9” x 9.01”

Pantone Colors:  White - Pantone Process YellowC - 319C - 7530C - Warm Gray 11C - Black

Please check our sizing chart before you order. The Woot Tee follows a classic closer-fitting style. If you prefer a baggier look, order a larger size. If there is not a larger size, consider starting a belly-hanging-out trend.

Take A Dive

I’ve given up on finding a good dive bar in this town. All the drinking establishments are large, well lit, and feature young women in short skirts and low-cut shirts. That’s just sad.

I don’t think I’m asking for much. I don’t need bright lights and hundreds of brews and spirits lining illuminated shelves. I don’t need whatever’s popular on the radio blaring in my ear so loudly that I can’t hear myself think about everything that’s gone wrong with my life. I want a older fella named Murray who’s just about seen it all to serve me my beverage, not some co-ed floozy who thinks bending and twisting her body in creative ways is going to get her a bigger tip. Young lady, I am here to drink. Your chest, while lovely, does not concern me.

And, seriously, when did they put huge televisions in every single bar? Was there a law passed or something? If I wanted to watch “the game,” I’d watch it on the Auria 26” 720p LCD HDTV at home. The 16:9 aspect ratio with 5ms response time and built-in HDTV tuner is more than capable of entertaining me from the comfort of my own couch. When I go to a bar, I go hoping to hear a story about heartbreak or loss, to reflect upon my own day, and to look like less of an alcoholic to my family and friends, not to see the series finale of some show I couldn't care less about.

Just give me a few neon beer signs, a wobbly bar stool, a sticky floor, and bathroom that looks like its been visited by Satan after a bout with bad chili. Is that too much to ask?

Warranty: 2 Year EQD

Features:

• Powerful scaling and zooming engine (down/up scale support)
• 3D comb filter
• 3D de-interlace image enhancement
• Color temperature adjustment
• Resolution support: 1080p for HDMI, 1080i (HD), 720p, 480p, 480i, PC timing (both HD and SD content)
  
• On-screen OSD function
• IR remote control
• Languages: English/French/Spanish
• MTS
• Sleep timer
• Vega mount: 200mm x 100mm
• V-chip parental control
• Close caption
• Viewing aspect ratio: standard / full/ overscan / 1:1 Mode
• Zoom / panorama / no scale / normal
• Favorite channel
• Channel return

Additional Photos:

• EQD EQ2688 Auria 26” 720p LCD HDTV
• EQD EQ2688 Auria 26” 720p LCD HDTV Packaging
  
• EQD EQ2688 Auria 26” 720p LCD HDTV Audio and Video Ports
  
• EQD EQ2688 Auria 26” 720p LCD HDTV Side Controls
  
• EQD EQ2688 Auria 26” 720p LCD HDTV Remote Control

Input/Output Port:

• Digital input (HDMI): 2
• Component input: 1
• S-video input: 1
• Composite CVBS input: 1
• TV system support: NTSC / ATSC / Clear QAM
• TV tuner input (ATV/DTV): 1
• VGA input: 1
• PC audio input: 1
• Audio output: coaxial SPDIF
• Audio input: RCA L/R 2

Panel Specifications:

• Size: 26” (diagonal)
• Resolution: WXGA (1366 x 768)
• Aspect Ratio: 16:9
• Brightness: 450 nits
• Contrast: 800:1 (typical)
• Response Time: 5ms (GTG)
• Viewing angle: 150 degrees horizontal, 150 degrees vertical (CR>10)

Audio Specifications:

• Speaker: 5W x 2
• MTS Stereo

Other Specifications:

• Dimensions: 25.9” (W) x 19.2” (H) x 7.4” (D)
• Net Weight: 15.8 lbs.
• Power Consumption: 100V – 120V ~ 2.5A, 50-60Hz
• AC Power supply: 100V ~ 120V

In the box:

• EQD EQ2688 Auria 26” 720p LCD HDTV
• Power Cable
• Remote Control
• (2) AAA Batteries

They’re STILL Mad At Persia

Greek culture. A fine balance of hunger and revenge.

From Daredevil’s Elektra to the classical story of The Odyssey to the present day political issues, it all comes down to hunger and revenge. Maybe that’s why the Greeks get credit for influencing art, and music, and philosophy, and drama, and so many many things that made our species better. Macedonia might have invented the One World Government, but it was Greece which laid the foundation which even now helps every lazy screenwriter with a deadline. And that’s why we, the copywriters of Wine.Woot who are trying to make it to a lunchtime pool party, salute the vengeful olive.

Kalamata, Nafplion, Amfissa, and other delicious Greek olives are gathered together, much as the city-states of old have been gathered into the glorious Mediterranean nation, boasting the sunny Messinian valley from which these olives come. Whether you choose pitted or unpitted, these olives will be in a balanced mix of fruity, peppery, flavorful extra virgin olive oil, straight from the Mani region. These hand-picked olives will be a fantastic reminder of Athena’s gift to the world (by which we mean the olive, not the concept of being a Daddy’s Girl) and a delicious addition to your summer snacks.

We really recommend you pick up as many of these Mani Foods Imported Greek Olives as possible. Not just because they’re delicious and part of a healthy Mediterranean diet. But because if you don’t, the Greeks might get mad. You ever read history? Seriously, the Greeks are a people you want to keep on your good side.

Imported Greek Olive Mix:

• Mix of Kalamata, Nafplion, Amfissa and other delectable greek olives
• Prepared with aromatic herbs and strips of roasted  peppers and lemon zest
• Hand-picked from the rugged hillsides of the Mani region
• Harvested in the sunny Messinian valley
• Attachable strainer

Ingrediants:

• Greek olives(Kalamata, Nafplion, Amfissa olives) peppers, Oregano, Savory, Brine, Lemon, Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Additional Photos:

• Olive Containers - Top View
• Olive Containers - Front

In the box:

• You choose Pitted Olives or Non-Pitted Olives
• (Cheese, Celery, and serving trays in main photo are not included)

Tossed Salad And Scrambled Eggs

1st place in Derby #157: Reinterpreting Famous Art Titles, with 971 votes!

Dear Mom and Dad,

I think I may have made a mistake.

I know, I know. I’m very lucky to have gotten this job and there’s a lot of opportunity for advancement with this company. I get that. Maybe I just need to give it more time. That’s what I keep telling myself, anyway.

And it’s got nothing to do with the people, the job, or the city itself, really. It’s just this rain! Man, they weren’t kidding when they said it rains a lot in Seattle. I know I’ve only been here a couple of weeks, but it just seems to wash all the color away. It just sorta gets me down, I guess.

Luckily, I was talking to a guy at work who recommended something called “Prozac”. Apparently, everyone who lives here takes it. It’s worth a shot, I guess. Just do me a favor and don’t move my bed out of the basement yet, okay?

Wear this shirt: and remember to keep an emergency plastic poncho in your car just in case you get stuck somewhere and need to stay dry.

Don’t wear this shirt: if Renoir is more your thing.

This shirt tells the world: “Somewhere, Hungrybear9562 is crying right now.”

We call this color: Asphalting In The Rain

Design Placement: Centered

Design Size:
3X – S: 13.93” x 19”
WXL - WS: 10.45” x 14.25”
K12 - K4: 9” x 12.26”

Pantone Colors:  White - Pantone Yellow C - 430C - 1585C - 319C - Black

Please check our sizing chart before you order. The Woot Tee follows a classic closer-fitting style. If you prefer a baggier look, order a larger size. If there is not a larger size, consider starting a belly-hanging-out trend.

Maybe Do Sit Ups While You Watch Dragonball Z?

Nerds and sports. It’s as natural as peanut butter and chocolate.

In the past few years, the words “militant subset” have been used again and again. A few crazy Christians, a few mad Muslims, heck, you could probably even find a few angry Anglicans if you looked around. But the truth of the matter is, it’s a few bad apples that spoil things for the average joe. So why, then, are we letting a little batch of comics fans make all nerds look bad?

Sports have always been about obsession and number crunching, which is why the SiliconDust HDHomeRun Network-Based Dual Digital HDTV Tuner is so aptly named. It combines the cutting edge “silicon” with the timeless joy of a “home run”. And that’s not all! The SiliconDust HDHomeRun Network-Based Dual Digital HDTV Tuner also lets you watch and record digital HDTV right to your hard drive, so you can pause, rewind and fast-forward, tracking down every single stat and being just as obsessive as the dude who’s making an LCARS skin for his iPhone.

Naturally, the SiliconDust HDHomeRun Network-Based Dual Digital HDTV Tuner works on Windows, Mac or Linux, so there’s no excuse for missing out. Unless, for some reason, you’re under the impression that “silicon” and “home run” aren’t compatible. And if that’s what you think, seriously, wise up, Poindexter. It’s the 21st Century. Nerds go to the gym now. And you think some guy who knows how many times Spider-Man fought The Rhino can’t remember Rashard Mendenhall’s yards-per-carry last season?

Warranty: 1 Year SiliconDust

Features:

• HDHomeRun connects to your router enabling you to watch and record TV from any computer on your network
• Connect to an indoor or outdoor antenna or to any US cable system to receive digital and HD channels
• Streams the full-quality digital stream from the broadcaster or cable provider, up to 1080i high definition without degrading the quality
• Record hours of your favorite Digital TV shows directly on to your hard drive and edit out unwanted content
• Store your collection on an external drive, portable device, or burn it to a disc
• One box, two digital tuners - watch and record Digital TV simultaneously or record two channels
• Pause, rewind, fast-forward live television
• Works with popular DVR software - integrated TV guide (provided by the DVR software)
• Schedule and record all your favorite television shows
• Expand with multiple HDHomeRun devices
• Use an antenna (not included) to pick up free broadcast digital TV (ATSC) available in your area - What channels can I receive?
• Cross OS compatible with Windows / MAC / Linux

TV Sources:

• ATSC digital TV (antenna)
• Unencrypted digital cable TV

Seamless Operation with Multiple Computers:

• Run Windows Media Center on multiple computers sharing the pool of HDHomeRun tuners
• Tuners are automatically allocated between computers as needed
• Multiple HDHomeRun units can be used together to expand the number of tuners
• Tuner pooling works with Windows Media Center, BeyondTV, SageTV, GBRPVR, MediaPortal, and TotalMedia
• Free software/firmware upgrade available for download

Compatible With:

• Windows Media Center
• Elgato EyeTV – DVR for Mac
• MythTV – DVR for Linux
• SnapStream BeyondTV – DVR for Windows
• SageTV – DVR for Windows/Linus/Mac
• MediaPortal – DVR for Windows
• GB-PVR – DVR for Windows
• VLC - Multi-platform media viewer
• TSReader – MPEG-2 transport stream analysis

Specifications:

• 8-VSB (ATSC over-the-air digital TV)
• QAM64/256 (unencrypted digital cable TV)
• IR Receiver (signal PC with a standard remote control)
• Not compatible with satellite TV
• Power: 2-prong AC Adapter 72” (182 cm) long; Input: 100-240V ~ 50/60Hz 0.18A; Output: 5.0V – 1.0A
• Includes (2) RG-6 coax cables 6ft. each (1.83m)
• Includes (1) CAT5e Ethernet cable 6ft. (1.83m)
• Product Dimensions: 7.8” x 3.2” x 10” (L x W x H)
• Product Weight: 2 lbs

Connectivity:

• (2) Antenna/Cable RF inputs
• (1) 100base-TX high speed Ethernet input

Requirements:
Operating System

• Windows Media Center:
  - Windows 7
  - Windows Vista Home Premium
  - Windows Vista Ultimate
• Third-party software available for:
  - Windows 7
  - Windows Vista
  - Windows XP
  - Mac OS X (10.4 of later)
  - Linux

Memory

• 512 MB RAM minimum, 1 GB RAM recommended

CPU

• 2.8 GHz Pentium 4 or better for digital content playback, dual core recommended for HD playback

Disk Space

• 1-4 GB per 1/2 hour of DTV recording

Additional Photos:

• SiliconDust HDHomeRun Dual Tuner Back View (2 Tuner Inputs, 1 Ethernet Input, 1 AC Power Input)
• Package Contents: SiliconDust HDHomeRun Dual Tuner, (2) RG-6 Coax Cables, (1) Ethernet Cable, and (1) AC Power Adapter (Installation CD not shown)
• SiliconDust HDHomeRun Dual Tuner - Packaging

Important Notes:

• You must have a cable TV subscription or an antenna (not included) to use this product
• Satellite TV and IPTV are not compatible with this product
• You must have an Internet network in place with a high-speed Internet connection to use this product

In the box:

• (1) SiliconDust HDHomeRun Network-Based Dual Digital HDTV Tuner (Color: White)
• (1) HDHomeRun Installation CD
• (1) High-speed Ethernet cable
• (2) RG-6 coax cables
• (1) Power Adapter